What would happen if every gay man on the planet took five minutes of every day to consciously focus on loving himself?

What if every gay man consciously, habitually expressed his appreciation and love for his fellow gay men?

How could we change the world?

As I have begun creating a workshop on this topic, I have been exploring these ideas.  And what I am finding is that simple acts of self-love and love toward others, repeated habitually, can yield powerful results.

Because when you truly love yourself, you can accomplish anything.

Let’s get real. Without the bottom there’s no top. And the converse is also true...without a top there’s no bottom. The two dualities play an evocative game of “what if’s” in our lives that sometimes we forget to appreciate. For instance...

Without mountaintops there’s be nothing but flatness to look at!

Here’s the point, so many times I hear clients say, “I feel like I have hit rock bottom.” Without being an insensitive horses butt I respond, “Congrats! Now let’s figure out what your new top looks like!”

The bottom line is this (no pun intended). If you never experience the bottom you can never appreciate the top. So little effort is put into appreciating the big win, the accomplishment, the “look what I did.” Even Emmy, Grammy, Oscar trophies eventually end up on a shelf somewhere. But boy do we ever spend a lot of time playing in the underbelly of being at the bottom of the heap.

How about changing that dynamic? Stepping away from mediocrity and saying, “Thank God I had that experience so that now I can truly appreciate...”

Do you have a bottomed out story that’s dragging you down? Something that simply seems there is no top to? Think again. Or better yet, act as if the bottom were the top and see how your perspective might change.

I just ate the biggest, juiciest best blueberry in the colander.  Perfect ripeness, juicy deliciousness, everything you want in blueberries. 

This is notable because when I am with my family of choice in San Francisco I rarely, if ever, get “that” blueberry or even any of its close cousins.  Nine year-old Ariana LOVES blueberries and with the enthusiasm she the displays for everything she loves and enjoys she pulls the bowl of fresh washed berries over close to her at the breakfast and, berry by berry, finds the best this batch of blueberries has to offer.  She revels in each berry, putting one after the other in her mouth alternating hands so she does not miss a berry.  Her berry eating pleasure is often accompanied by expressions of joy and delight and letting us know just how much she LOVES blueberries as if we hadn’t noticed.  Once she has consumed the best she is done.  The bowl is pushed away.  She will not eat under-ripe, small or dried up berries.

Occasionally, I wish the sharing lessons would kick in but not this morning.  I smile as I realize that she has a skill that we seem to lose as we get older.  We “suffer” with a lot of sour, dried up “blueberries” rather than choosing those that we relish.  If choices like eating all of the berries -- even those that fail to bring pleasure or enjoyment -- because they are in front of us were only true of blueberries, not a big problem.  A little less blueberry pleasure is not a big deal in the whole of a life.  Unfortunately we do not limit being “content” with what is in front of us to blueberries.  It is a way a being for many of us.  We believe we are obligated (sigh with heavy heart) to “take the good with the bad.”  In some cases this is true and necessary but certainly not with blueberries and many, many parts of our lives. We choose, or more often than not fail to choose, whatever comes our way when other options are possible.  We don’t so much “take the good with the bad” as we let the “bad” roll over us frequently with too little “good” because we fail to choose or make choices that are powerful and pleasurable.

We can reject less than satisfactory choices, just as Ariana chooses only the best most flavorful berries and says “no, thank you” to the rest.

So for today, make choices where you are able, in a way that maximizes your pleasure rather than automatically taking whatever comes.  This may be as simple as locating that favorite song or play list for your commute rather than enduring it in silence or with whatever comes on the radio.  Look for those experiences and choices that like fat juicy blueberries will add pleasure and enjoyment in larger more important areas of your life.

I am a firm believer that your career, your relationships, your connections, all that you do can be the fattest, juiciest yummiest blueberries ever experienced.  There will be work along the way but there can be lots of fat blueberries.  The work you do then leads you to better and better baskets of blueberries.  As an experienced professional coach I know where to help you find some of the best life has to offer, to support you to choose it and bring much more of the best - most pleasurable into your life, so please This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. .

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:

Contact:  Paul Novello

                 1-866-630-1936

                 This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.

October 28, 2011 – WWRL 1600, New York’s progressive radio station is proud to announce        Equality Pride Radio, programming geared to the LGBT community. Equality Pride Radio kicks off October 31, 2011 from 10pm to midnight.

Thursday nights at 10pm will be hosted by New York City Therapist and Life Coach, Paul Novello. “I am honored and excited for this opportunity and thrilled that WWRL is expanding their programming to reach the LGBT community,” says Paul. “This show is going to support, inspire and empower you to live your life to its fullest potential. We’ll have a forum to discuss various topics with special guests and everyone is welcome to join the conversation.”

Paul Novello, LCSW, CLC, BCC is a licensed therapist and board certified life coach. He is a highly sought after coach and consultant within the behavioral healthcare industry, and works with numerous organizations, including Fortune 500, healthcare companies, small businesses, and non-profit organizations. Paul has always been passionate about personal growth and development, and he loves to explore the possibilities! He enjoys inspiring others to discover their true selves, reach for their goals and dreams and create the life they truly desire. Paul created and developed Life Solutions for Gay Men as a complete resource to support gay men in their quest for personal development. Additionally, he also has an extensive background in the performing arts and has studied and applied various techniques throughout the years including Meditation, Progressive Relaxation, Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) and the Alexander Technique.

“Gay Life Solutions” will air every Thursday on the same station as the nationally syndicated            Rev. Al Sharpton radio program. General Manager Adriane Gaines says, “WWRL 1600 has created Equality Pride Radio, a media platform where the LGBT community will convey information and be celebrated for their ideas, energy and accomplishments.  Equality Pride Radio will connect the audience with their own special messages and style. The range of subjects will promote and embrace mutual respect, self-esteem, entertainment, financial security, health & wellness and a better understanding of our neighbors.” These LGBT programs will air Monday-Friday, 10pm to midnight on AM 1600 WWRL and wwrl1600.com.

Save the date for the debut of “Gay Life Solutions” on November 3, 2011 at 10pm. Other prominent talkers on WWRL include Mark Riley, Ed Schultz, Thom Hartmann, Randi Rhodes, Leslie Marshall, Phil Hendrie, Warren Ballentine and Rennie Bishop. For a full line-up/live streaming, wwrl1600.com.

WWRL 1600AM is owned by Access.1 Communications Corp., a privately held company that also owns radio stations in Tyler, TX and Shreveport, LA, in addition to the NBC-TV station in Atlantic City, NJ; Superadio Network a leading radio syndication company, and is one of the founding partners of

American Urban Radio Networks (AURN).

People,

Do yourself a favor and read this terrific article in the New Yorker of October 3, 2011. If you are a coach, you will learn new skills. If you are thinking of hiring a coach, you will. if you want to be a coach, this is get you excited:

http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2011/10/03/111003fa_fact_gawande

I am so aware these days of the need we all have for help and support in living our lives. 

It is so sad that men in our culture are taught to tough it out, to go it alone, to never ask for directions, if you will. Life is too complicated to do alone, I believe. I have seen some men lately who come to coaching with a sense of defeat, They feel badly that they couldn't figure life out by themselves, and almost see hiring a coach as an admission of failure! I quickly reframe it for them as a victory. I say "Congratulations, you have just figured out one of the best kept secrets of life. Having support and guidance is a great gift to give yourself."

With this awareness, I am humbled that some of the work that we coaches have to do is to educate people about the benefits of asking for help. It sounds so simple, yet it is not. In our culture, it takes courage and self love. Not to mention, a lot of good hard work also! It continues to be some of the best hard work I have ever done.

A coach's role is to support a client in achieving their goals in the shortest time possible. This is achieved by helping the client stretch outside their own comfort zones by challenging their limiting beliefs, such as being to slow or too old to achieve their dream. We are not there to teach, explain or hypothesise, but to shine a light on ideas that would normally be brushed aside as unrealistic or doomed to failure and therefore pointless to even attempt. The coach will work with the client to help them identify their goals and build up a step by step action plan to achieve them.

Careful use of effective open-ended questioning techniques will increase the clients own self awareness and understanding, enabling them to set clear and well constructed goals that will challenge them, whilst still being realistic and obtainable. Actively listening to the client and giving them time to think, will release deep rooted ideas that during a normal conversation may never have surfaced. Supporting them through their journey by being positive, honest and open where they will develop a trusting relationship that will allow the client to build their confidence. A coach must be non-judgemental, non-directional and above all, committed to total confidentiality at all times.

With the coach acting as a sounding board the client is able to explore their future options in the safety of the coaching environment which in turn allows them to be more innovative. This will produce powerful results that are wholly owned by the client from conception through to completion. After building a high level of rapport with the client, particularly through the use of targeted praise of their large and small successes, we are able to provide constructive feed back that will aid them to grow without feeling reprimanded.

The coach will ensure that the client is kept on track and does not wonder off into a story telling session or begin to dwell on a negative train of thought. They will also guide the client to review previous successes to help them realise that they are indeed progressing as often this can go unnoticed.

As the coach provides a safe, positive and motivational space for the client to work in, their helpful attitude, patience and understanding will result in the client's achieving clarity of purpose that they have never experienced before.

Receiving Help as an Act of Generosity

I’m changing my mind about asking for or accepting help, when I need it. What I learned growing up was be needless/wantless, be self-sufficient,be self-reliant, and never be beholden to anyone. “Who are you to have needs,
with so many other people in the world in much worse need?” As a kid, I learned that asking for or receiving help was freeloading, a sign of weakness, or of poverty. That’s how it landed for me, anyway. After 50-something years of living with those rules, I decided to find a better feeling perspective.  

So, working with my coach (yep, I have a coach too!), I discovered there is another more satisfying perspective for me to explore about asking for and receiving help.  We all can use some help sometimes. She asked me “how do you feel when you are asked for help by someone else?”  Hmmm.  Well, generally, I really like being asked to help, sometimes even honored.  It feels good to be able to assist someone.  (BTW, neuroscience calls it the “helper’s high” – actually a chemical buzz from showing kindness or compassion to another. So we are hardwired to be of service.)  Next, she asked me, doesn’t it follow that if someone offers help I need or if I ask someone for help they, too, might feel good by my allowing and accepting their help? 

With a Coach’s Skillful Guidance . . .

With a coach’s skillful guidance, my new understanding of my assumptions about offering and receiving help is three-fold. First, I feel rebuffed when I offer help and it is declined or ignored, so maybe they do too?  Second, I found that I was fearful of the answer – whether yes or no!  And third, I see how being overly invested in “looking good” as needless/wantless and low-maintenance keeps me from connecting and moving ahead in life.  Ick.  As Joe Weston, author of an amazing new book “Mastering Respectful Confrontation” says, being vulnerable is actually a very powerful place in which to stand. 

Okay, there are always exceptions to this.  But in most instances, my own new perspective on receiving help – whether requested or offered – is that accepting help can have outcomes much greater than the help offered.  It can engage connection with another, even when the help is not granted or ultimately received, and it also can be an act of great
generosity.   

Some Questions for You. . .

It feels really good to share my journey on asking for and receiving help. Thanks for reading this far. And if any of this resonates with you or brings up some curiosity about your own beliefs, here are some Coach’s Inquiries to mull:

• Where can you really use some help, big or small, right now?
• Who do you know who can help you?
• What might be generous about asking them for help?
• What if they say “no?” 
• What if they say “yes?” 
• Can you take “yes” for an answer?

This is a great example of ways in which working with a professional coach can help shift perspectives, to live more powerfully and with greater connection. Why not contact me today to set up a complementary 30-minute consultation call to explore ways that I may be of service?  (You might even want to ask me for help!) Please visit my website www.kincaidcoaching.com

Today we begin Gay Spirit Camp at Easton Mountain. It will end with our First International GLBT Music Festival. We have done Gay Spirit Camp for about 8 years now; and, every year, I find myself thinking about just what I mean when I refer to "GAY SPIRIT." 

This year, in particular, I am aware of the need for generosity, gratitude, and graciousness as part of the fabric of what gay spirit means. The nation's financial matters are in very bad condition and our war news is discouraging. I look for inspirtation as a gay man to uplift my gay spirit to higher levels of gratitude and a deeper understanding of what it means to be of service.

I am aware this week of a moving source of inspiration. On August 3, 2011, Rudolf Brazda died at the age of 98. His obituary has appeared in major newspapers, including the New York TImes. Rudolf survived the concentration camp at Buchenwald for 3 years and he is the last known homosexual to have survived. His story is a true inspiraton. Both this and his beautiful face speak to a deep "gay spirit" that I find attractive and compelling. All of us who saw him in the film were very moved. So this year, Rudolf Brazda is my own personal inspiration to move throught the world with dignity, strength, and cheerfulness.

Follow me on my daily blog:

http://phillipcoupaljuicyheart.wordpress.com/

I post regularly, looking at and exploring what is happening in my life. I hope to show the richness of my life through a few words and visual images.

Life is a Banquet! - What is being served? - What is on the Table?

When we think of conflict, often we assume that there is only one way to handle it. Kenneth W. Thomas (2002) and Ralph Kilmann have actually identified five strategies to deal with conflict with each having strengths and weaknesses. Managing Conflict is a critical management competency that involves key leadership skills including partnering with others, building relationships, effectively listening, and negotiation. Conflict arises when our desires or concerns are at odds with someone else’s desires or concerns. The five conflict styles are a function of two variables: (a) how much you try to satisfy your own concerns, known as assertiveness, and (b) how much you try to satisfy others’ concerns, known as cooperativeness. Here is a brief overview of each style. 

1. Competing

This is perhaps what most of us consider when we think of conflict. We try to win or get what we want, and the other party loses. We exhibit high assertiveness and low cooperativeness. Competing can be fun when we win! Many situations are set up as a competition by definition such as elections, bidding for one contract, and most sporting events. Key skills for competing include arguing, debate, using rank or influence, standing your ground, and rallying allies.

2. Accommodating

When we accommodate, we give the other person what they want but forgo our own needs or desires. We are unassertive and cooperative. In business, there is a common saying, “the customer is always right.” This is an example of accommodation. There are times when this may be the best course of action when we want to create goodwill, keep the peace, or show reasonableness. Skills here include ability to yield, selflessness, and obedience.

3. Avoiding

Many people prefer to avoid conflict altogether. In this case, we are unassertive and uncooperative. Certainly this may be the best choice when we know we can’t win or the battle just isn’t worth it in the first place. Sometimes avoiding may be a great strategy to temporarily delay action until we are in a better position to deal with the conflict or we have had time to “cool down.” Sometimes the issue may resolve on its own. However, when we avoid conflict, neither our needs nor others’ needs or concerns are addressed. The downside of avoiding is that issues may get worse and explode later. Skills for avoiding include withdrawing, ability to leave things unresolved, and deciding what is important.

4. Compromising

When we comprise we get some of what we want and the other party also gets something, but neither party gets all of their concerns met. We take an intermediate position on both assertiveness and cooperativeness.  We often call this splitting the difference. Compromising may be a great solution when we know we can’t win without giving a little. We also may not have time to collaborate. Skills needed include negotiation, making concessions, assessing value, and knowing your limits.

5. Collaborating

Much has been written the last decade on the value of collaboration or creating “win-win” solutions. Here we are both assertive and cooperative. Not only do we ensure that our own concerns are addressed we also take on the concerns of the other party and work together to meet their needs as well. Collaborating has many advantages including developing relationships, learning, gaining commitment or buy-in, and integrating solutions. However, collaboration requires skills that may take some time to develop including careful listening, empathy, openness, humility, nonthreatening confrontation, and creativity. Collaboration can also take time and patience to work through the process. Some conflicts do not allow for collaboration in the case where there can be only one winner such as in an election or interviewing for a job.

In my next article, I will elaborate on the 7 Steps for Conflict Resolution Using Collaboration.

If you would like to better understand your own preference for conflict modes, you can take a short online survey, the Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument (TKI), through my online assessment website for a small fee. I also offer a half-day to full-day workshop on exploring Conflict and Teams which can be customized for your organization. Call me at 720-318-6625.

References:

Thomas, K. W. (2002). Introduction to conflict management: Improving performance using the TKI. Mountain View, CA: CPP.

I know I am a bit early to be welcoming spring, but am I ever ready! It has been quite a winter here in the northeast and I think everyone is ready for some warmer weather. Bring it on!

And I am also aware of the luxury of looking forward to the change of seasons. This week the news is all about Japan and the tragic loss of so many lives. The news is grim, to say the least. I do not know anyone personally who has been affected by this, but feel nonetheless terrible at the sights I see on television news.

So, I pray for them and I appreciate what I/we have. I send money to relief funds. I do not know of what else we can do. I know that I will welcome spring even more wholeheartedly because of what is happening all the way across the world in Japan.

Have you had some days lately that tested your spirit?

It can be easy to feel lonely, especially when you face big challenges.

Whether you’re in a love relationship or not, Valentine’s Day is a time when many of us get in touch with loneliness. Getting in touch with your deeper feelings, isn’t a bad thing.

Still, it can be pretty uncomfortable.

I want to share with you a video about an 18 year old man, Ben Comen, who has persevered to find a sense of belonging even in some pretty uncomfortable situations.

An important secret for going from loneliness toward belonging

If you’re facing a big challenge in your life, you’ve probably noticed it feels even bigger when you feel alone.

There’s something about feeling connected and having a sense of belonging, that helps you face challenging things.

Watch this video about Ben Comen, an 18 year old man who lives with cerebral palsy.

WHILE YOU WATCH pay attention to how Ben

• Persists in the face of challenge.
• Is willing to accept the support of others while still being independent and taking care of himself.

Society tells us that winning means having it all together.

Not needing help.

Belonging – and being loved - requires something different

Ben demonstrates exactly what you need in order to experience more love and belonging.

1. Be willing to be imperfect and let others see you.
2. Be willing to let others help you

I know what you're thinking. It's easier said than done. My situation is more complicated.

Listen, I know it’s hard to do, but you’ll get what you want a lot faster

If you’ll let down your guard.

Even … just a little. Play with it. Experiment this week.

Here’s something simple you can do.

Let a friend or co-worker see a few of your rough edges.

Let even just one person see you sweat a little and see that something isn’t easy for you.

How can you can do this?

Ask someone you know for help. It’s best if you do this with something that really matters to you. Something you’d normally just struggle with alone.

If that’s too scary, find something smaller to ask for help with.

Do you have the courage to give it a try?

I’ll bet the results will surprise you.

If this idea is frightening, go back and watch the video again for inspiration. See how Ben Comen takes care of himself while accepting help and encouragement from others.

This can sometimes feel vulnerable, but once you start to play with letting your guard down and being a little more open, you'll notice a very clear and positive shift in how people relate to you. They’ll notice and like you more for it. And you won’t feel quite as alone.

But don't take my word for it.

Try it for yourself!

Mark

P.S. Let me know how it goes. You can contact me here.

What I Want as a Member of the Gay Coaches Alliance

As a founder and member of the Gay Coaches Alliance, I have several intentions.

One of them is to grow the number of gay men who have coaches. I think that this is important because our culture is on the verge of a shift, from healing to action, from interest in the self to devotion to service.

We have spent the last several decades healing from oppression, from abuse, from severe negativity as gay men. It is not yet over, but we can see a new life on the horizon. With the vision of this new life comes the realization that our entire culture is in need of healing and transformation. Because of our unique life-experience as gay men, we are poised to step up and offer our gifts of healing, forgiveness, and transformation to the world. In order to ready ourselves for this great work, we need as much help as we can get. Hiring a gay coach can only help make our work more efficient and focus our attentions on the essentials of living a fulfilled life.

Another intention is to grow the number of gay coaches in the world. It is not an exaggeration to say that gay men have special gifts for listening and for compassion. At our best, we seek the good in people and look for ways to be helpful. Many gay men are having the shared national experience of feeling that they need to make a change in their life direction or in their chosen careers.

These men are moving away from the cultural model of financial and material success and they are moving toward a point in life when they are asking what they can to to be of greater service in the world. These men are often ideally suited to becoming life coaches.

The Father of Coaching was Thomas Leonard, a gay man who died at the age of 48 in 2003. We are his legacy. Long before we came along, he thought about us. He believed that, "Everyone is a Coach." I am saying that we all are, indeed, coaches, especially as gay men.

I have been involved in the Gay Coaches Alliance for more than 4 years and I truly believe that the time has come to gather together, step up, and announce ourselves to the world.

It is my hope that we will create bands of Gay Coaches throughout the world and that we will gather in one place, and, finally look in the eyes of other strong, powerful, and inspirational creative change agents. We will finally know each other.

January 2011! This time of year can indeed be a time of going inward, hibernating, resting more, those kinds of activities. Many of our clients find this a challenging time to move forward on goals and to follow through on commitments they have made. Our work is to help keep them motivated and focused even if some seasonal moods get in the way. We must keep ourselves focused also.

I have taken on a new project that I am excited about. I purchased some fieldstone and plan to learn the art of building a stone wall. I have always admired the stone walls that run through the woods of the Northeast, many of which date back to the days of the early settlers who were clearing the land for farming.

This is my way of pushing through the winter doldrums; learning a new skill and challenging myself. How about you?

Timely question for us all.

I have been leading a group here in New York City called Living Soulfully. It is a group of men who have been in some way connected to Easton Mountain Retreat Center. We meet monthly at the LGBT Center for socializing, community building, and to participate together in different forms of self-exploration. We are in the process of answering the question of what is it to live soulfully.

This group, by the way, has been meeting for several years. We had our first ever potluck supper this past Sunday and we had 50 men, a lot of terrific food, sang some songs together and got to know one another more.

We have a full schedule of meetings for 2011. You can find out our plans on our facebook page: Living Soulfully NYC.

Facilitating this group is such a privilege. It is one of the things I am most grateful for this year. More on end of year gratitude coming soon.

Be well, stay warm!

Art Of Powerful Living 2010!

We did it again. Harry and I led another successful workshop at Easton. If you have never had the experience of coaching men in a group, I highly recommend that you seek out an opportunity to do so. It is an awesome feeling to witness a group of 15 men (in this case), all working together on goals and action strategies. They inspire and challenge each other. It is really exciting!

Easton was beautiful, the man were awesome, and hopefully they will all continue the good work they began that weekend. We plan to offer this workshop again in Nov. 2011.

I wish you all a Happy Thanksgiving!

Michael

As it has appeared in Michael Cohen's Coaches' Memo, we had a great Coaching event at Easton Mountain.

www.eastonmountain.com

The Art of Powerful Living was a weekend devoted to coaching, working with gay men who wanted to experience coaching, and also some men who are considering becoming coaches. This event was first produced in June, 2000 at Dawn Manor, a retreat center in the Catskills. Since then we've done it at Easton; this was our fifth retreat. To this day, some of the remarkable men who attended in 2000 continue to recommend the workshop and testify to its impact on their lives.

I have had a radio show on WRPI (www.wrpi.org) since 2004. It is THE QUEST OF LIFE.

http://www.thequestoflife.com/

My co-host is Steve Sims and I will be interviewing the great Kate Clinton on Friday, December 10th at 12:15 p.m. EST. You can listen on the website at the time of broadcast, or check out the podcast one week after the show.

http://web.mac.com/harryfaddis/qol/TheQuestOfLife/TheQuestOfLife.html

Enjoy the Holiday Season!

As I write this, it is election day and I have been waiting anxiously to see the outcome of it all. It has been a tense time for many of us. So much change that is out of our control.

In 2 weeks Harry and I will be leading The Art of Powerful Living, a coaching retreat for gay men at Easton. I am very excited about it. We have 13 men signed up, all ready to set goals for themselves and to see some changes come into their lives. It is a very unique experience to work with a group of men, all sharing their deepest desires and striving for a good life. The inspiration flows back and forth, and the energy will be high.

I hope for you that you use this time of the changing seasons to look inward and perhaps to reach for some of your desires. Whether you are working with a coach or not, this can be a very productive and thoughtful time of year.

I am enjoying the crisp cold weather here in NYC.